Hi everyone, this is Dave Booda. I’d like to take some time to talk about ethics, my role in this event, and how I think about the responsibility that comes with it.
First off, my background in this area is important, and also quite lengthy. I decided to make it a separate page, and you are welcome to browse that by clicking here.
My starting place as the co-host of this event, and the person creating the programming and holding this container, is that I am 100% responsible for everything that happens at IntimacyFest or as a result of IntimacyFest.
What does that mean? Why would I say that?
This is something I came to understand as a military officer in my twenties. When I am the one responsible for making the decisions about what happens, everything that follows on from those decisions is something I get to (and should) take responsibility for. I can take every single thing that goes right or wrong and draw a line directly back to a decision I made, or a decision I failed to make. If I’ve delegated a task to someone else, everything they do and every decision they made is also my responsibility, because I chose to delegate that task to them.
It’s also important to acknowledge that the role I’m playing carries with it a high degree of power, influence and status. I’m not saying that to inflate my sense of self-importance, I’m saying it because one of the ways teachers and leaders skirt responsibility is by pretending that they don’t have power and influence. I take the job of leading an event like IntimacyFest seriously, and in doing so I will do my best to use my power and influence in service of the group, not myself.
IntimacyFest is an event that deals with sensitive topics. I believe intimacy is the thing we’re all seeking, consciously and unconsciously. At IntimacyFest we invite participants to examine their blocks to loving and being loved (platonic love), we explore deep connection and at times, participants may be opening up and sharing about their lives in ways that is incredibly vulnerable. This increases our responsibility as leaders to ensure that the focus stays on the benefit (both short and long term) of the participants. Vulnerability is just that — it’s vulnerable! It should be held with reverence and responsibility.
Sexuality at IntimacyFest
Let’s talk about sexuality at IntimacyFest. I understand that the word “intimacy” is often associated or conflated with sex, that’s understandable. While it’s true that intimacy street and sex street intersect, they are different streets (thank you to Michael Matthew for the metaphor). What I’ve learned over five years of running IntimacyFest for the public, is that bringing in sexuality to the event intentionally brings with it a cost that is not worth the benefit (in my opinion). As a result, none of the exercises will involve sexual acts or the intentional use of erotic energy.
Additionally, while the participants are welcome to engage with each other if they choose, the facilitators (myself, Ellie and Jil) will not be engaging sexually with any of the participants. Additionally, I will not be engaging sexually with participants for the length of my trip to New Zealand (Oct 16-Oct 30, 2024).
Cult Dynamics and IntimacyFest
This topic is near and dear to my heart, as it’s something I’ve spent the last two years engaging in and researching. There is so much to say, so I’ll just summarize what’s applicable here, but if you want more you can read a piece I published in Sept 2024 called “My Thoughts on ISTA“. I also recommend the organization “Seek Safely” (wonderful podcast) and their guide for participants to assess red flags in events: https://www.seeksafely.org/consumers
Here are the ways we’re setting up ourselves to succeed in not creating culty dynamics at IntimacyFest.
1. We don’t promise “transformation”.
IntimacyFest can be a beautiful and deep experience, but nowhere in our language do we promise or insinuate that it will transform or change your life. We believe that transformation is not something that happens in a weekend, it’s earned through many months (often years) of work, integration and support of community.
2. We design the programming to keep people’s nervous systems regulated and online.
Many weekend trainings or events are designed such that after a day or two people are burned out and often become dissociated. We build in personal time along with ample time for meals, and we balance the time in connection with others with connection to self. It’s important to us that people take breaks before they get overwhelmed, so we help give people tools to recognize that, as well as create a culture that doesn’t shame people for pausing and taking the time they need for self-care.
3. We are aware of the way humans want to gravitate toward pop-up communities like IntimacyFest and make them their new family.
IntimacyFest isn’t real life. It’s an experience for 4 days that can inspire us, but it can’t replace real family and community. We work to counter-balance any tendencies to see IntimacyFest in this way, and re-direct people’s energy toward their own local communities.
4. We are aware of how leaders can exploit people who put them on a pedestal.
With any event like IntimacyFest, it can be easy to project things on to the leaders and put them on a pedestal. This is natural, and it’s our responsibility as leaders to use that power and influence in service of the group, not ourselves. This is also related to our policy about not interacting sexually with any of the participants.
5. I talk with each participant on the phone before the event.
Anyone who buys a ticket to IntimacyFest, I schedule a phone call with. That helps me get to know them, them get to know me and it goes a long way toward helping me create a safe environment as the host.
6. Group size is 30-40 people.
Not having a huge event allows us to track everyone at the event and not have someone who might be struggling get lost in the crowd.
7. I don’t make a living running events.
I play music for a living, and I run events because I love community and because it’s a way I express my creativity. Often the events make a profit, but it’s typically not huge, and I don’t rely on that money to pay my bills. If you want to see previous year’s budgets for IntimacyFest and how much money I made, all that is public and can be viewed here.
8. We have a refund policy that allows participants to get a full refund up to 6 months after the completion of the event.
For more on this, see this page that explains why we have this refund policy.
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Those are a few thoughts, clearly this is a huge topic that I could say much more about, but hopefully this gives you a sense of where I’m coming from.
If you have any questions or would like to discuss this further, please email me, or you can message me on WhatsApp at +16177212007.
Thanks for reading,
Dave Booda